I started a book the other day, a big doorstoppy, mouse-killer of a book, one I’d been really looking forward to reading, and I made it six percent of the way through the book before deciding I could not tolerate another second of it and put it down.

Then I looked at the reviews online, because I’m dumb like that, and they’re rapturous. And I’m gaslighting myself because, come on, this is objectively not a good book. There are errors of word choice and tense and the dialogue is abominable and the main character is way way way too into ogling high school girls for someone about to exit college. Today I thought about writing a review of the book, because I can’t believe people think this book is as good as they’re saying it is and I need the world to stop gaslighting me. So I went through on my Kindle, reread the first 6%, and annotated it.

Yes, I’m exactly that petty.

The problem is there were over sixty annotations– which, on one hand, I said the book was awful, but on the other hand, properly fisking this mess has become a lot of work, especially since when you export Kindle notes all it gives you is the note; it doesn’t include the bit you highlighted for the note. And, sure, I can do a bunch of screenshots, or copy and paste, and I probably don’t have to include all sixty of the notes, but that felt like a lot of work.

So what I’m going to do instead is just paste in my notes, obscuring the author’s name when necessary (although you’ll recognize the book, if you’ve read it) and y’all can tell me if you think this is worth the extra work. I will make this sacrifice for my people if you want me to. Obviously some of these are going to be obscure since you don’t see what I’m referring to, but … well, there are gonna be some patterns.

Anyway, enjoy:

Note – One > Page 3 · Location 1045
Much like the House of Lannister.

Note – One > Page 3 · Location 1046
Dumb

Note – One > Page 3 · Location 1050
Eew.

Note – One > Page 4 · Location 1063
Definitely start by sexualizing the first teenage girl in the book.

Note – One > Page 4 · Location 1064
She’s literally just glancing at her own shirt.

Note – One > Page 4 · Location 1071
Is this a thing sisters do? Grope each other?

Note – One > Page 5 · Location 1085
Note, for now, that AUTHOR is willing to spell out “dyke.”

Note – One > Page 5 · Location 1092
The hoodie is going to turn into a zip-up later.

Note – One > Page 6 · Location 1096
No one talks like this. Also, there’s no universe where Steven Biko can be mistaken for Eddie Murphy.

Note – One > Page 6 · Location 1098
Again, no one talks like this.

Note – One > Page 6 · Location 1099
As opposed to the other guard.

Note – One > Page 6 · Location 1104
Makes no sense for her to be upset.

Note – Two > Page 7 · Location 1114
“gangly” means “long-limbed”; no reason to use both words.

Note – Two > Page 8 · Location 1125
No one talks like this.

Note – Two > Page 8 · Location 1139
No one talks like this.

Note – Two > Page 9 · Location 1152
No one talks like this.

Note – Two > Page 9 · Location 1157
No one talks like this.

Note – Two > Page 10 · Location 1168
Biko is on the *back* of the hoodie, which is now a sweatshirt.

Note – Two > Page 11 · Location 1181
Definitely something you yell at your daughter in jail. 

Note – Two > Page 11 · Location 1184
Just weirdly phrased.

Note – Two > Page 11 · Location 1190
Try and imagine this scenario for a second. Like, physically do it with your body. This is not a possible thing.

Note – Two > Page 11 · Location 1191
In the previous paragraph, she fell backwards over a chair and … landed on her nose? How?

Note – Two > Page 11 · Location 1194
No one talks like this.

Note – Two > Page 11 · Location 1195
Weird word choice.

Note – Two > Page 12 · Location 1200
No reason for the word “own” here.

Note – Two > Page 12 · Location 1203
No one talks like this.

Note – Two > Page 12 · Location 1205
It’s a hoodie again.

Note – Three > Page 13 · Location 1215
Weird.

Note – Three > Page 13 · Location 1218
No one talks like this.

Note – Three > Page 14 · Location 1229
Awkward phrasing.

Note – Three > Page 15 · Location 1246
Colin could use a pronoun.

Note – Three > Page 15 · Location 1257
No one talks like this.

Note – Four > Page 16 · Location 1268
These girls will never be mentioned again.

Note – Four > Page 17 · Location 1276
No one talks like this.

Note – Four > Page 18 · Location 1296
And now it’s a zipup. It’s been a regular hoodie and a sweatshirt and now it’s a zipup.

Note – Four > Page 18 · Location 1302
… is her skin moldy?

Note – Four > Page 18 · Location 1304
Why? Who randomly starts eating a sandwich in front of people? Why didn’t he eat before he went to get the hoodie, which he thought was just in a car? 

Note – Four > Page 19 · Location 1311
This is the weirdest goddamn way to threaten somebody. Burned? Is it a plastic spoon?

Note – Four > Page 19 · Location 1317
Her face is in her pillow but the “shiv” is below her eye? How did they get these photos smuggled out of the prison?

Note – Four > Page 20 · Location 1343
No one talks like this.

Note – Four > Page 21 · Location 1361
I feel like burning sixty grand worth of PCP in a woodstove would at least create a noticeable smell, maybe one cops might notice, but I dunno.

Note – Four > Page 22 · Location 1370
It’s 1989. Pre-Internet. These idiots do not have contacts to sell rare manuscripts. No.

Note – Four > Page 22 · Location 1377
No one talks like this.

Note – Four > Page 23 · Location 1384
No one talks like this.

Note – Four > Page 23 · Location 1386
Glad that everyone has time to appreciate the “satisfying” sound of broken glass during this extortion attempt.

Note – Four > Page 23 · Location 1390
Unnecessary.

Note – Five > Page 24 · Location 1400
Twenty-foot doors are very large doors.

Note – Five > Page 25 · Location 1422
Again, to who?

Note – Five > Page 27 · Location 1452
All of this was in the newspaper article? Including the dialogue, with censored profanities? Has AUTHOR ever read a newspaper article?

Note – Six > Page 29 · Location 1475
God.

Note – Six > Page 29 · Location 1478
Wrong verb tense.

Note – Six > Page 29 · Location 1482
Gee, you think?

Note – Six > Page 29 · Location 1483
No one talks like this.

Note – Six > Page 30 · Location 1487
No one talks like this.

Note – Six > Page 30 · Location 1492
Gwen’s a hobbit, apparently.

Note – Six > Page 30 · Location 1493
Terrible writing.

Note – Six > Page 30 · Location 1498
I like that no one answers this question.

Note – Six > Page 30 · Location 1502
This is the second time Arthur, a college student, has ogled a teenager.

Note – Six > Page 31 · Location 1507
When does he get close enough to her to read the clue over her shoulder? And who the fuck talks like this? For either of them?

Note – Six > Page 31 · Location 1510
AUTHOR is obsessed with windows.

Note – Six > Page 32 · Location 1523
She is not nine years old. This is a grown person acting like this.

Note – Six > Page 32 · Location 1528
No one talks like this.

Note – Six > Page 32 · Location 1529
This is what you say BEFORE you open the cabinet and start rummaging through shit.

Note – Six > Page 32 · Location 1535
NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS.

Note – Six > Page 32 · Location 1538
Donna is a complete asshole.

Note – Six > Page 32 · Location 1538
And this is where I stopped reading.